Book Review: Why does God care who I sleep with? by Sam Allberry

            Sam is a pastor, speaker, writer and an editor for the Gospel Coalition. He is the author of a number of books, including Is God Anti-Gay?; James For You; and Why Bother with Church?. He is also a writer and co-founder for the website Living Out which provides stories and Christian resources for those who are same-sex attracted. Sam has been involved in pastoral ministry for years and has remained single during that time.

            In this book, Sam Allberry considers why our sex lives are important to God. A summary of sorts for the whole book is given in the introduction:

“God cares who we sleep with because He cares deeply about the people who are doing the sleeping. He cares because sex was His idea, not ours. He cares because misusing sex can cause profound hurt and damage. He cares because He regards us as worthy of His care. And, in fact, that care is not only seen in telling us how we should use sex, but also in how He makes forgiveness and healing available to us when we mess this up.”

            In many ways, the rest of the book is teasing out these ideas and showing where they come from in the Bible. The first chapter considers the sexual abuse that has recently been so publicized in various areas of our society. Sam clearly explains that Jesus was known for his love of the marginalized and that Christianity uniquely tells us we have inherent worth and value because of God’s creative acts. Also considered is the reality that Jesus did not care only what His human creatures did with their bodies, but also about the thoughts and intentions behind those actions (pg. 17). In so doing, Jesus makes it clear that each person is responsible for what they do with their own body and how they view other people. Jesus goes much deeper than anyone else went in this area – even to the intentions of human hearts and minds (pg. 18).

            The second chapter considers how the Bible is not against sex, but rather against sex in the wrong contexts. The Bible clearly celebrates sex within proper boundaries. Everyone believes certain sexual desires should be resisted, but where we draw the lines is the point in question (pg. 27). One of the benefits of the Christian view can be seen in the fact that if what the Bible teaches were followed, there would never be such a thing as sexually abusive acts or rape. Not because they could not exist, but because they are impossible to do when following what God says about sex.

            The author then considers the purposes for sex. How it creates one-ness, connection, interdependedness, and a reproducing of God’s image bearers (chapter 3). He also considers how sex is a means of mutual self-giving and how that means it can only be accomplished as intended within a marriage relationship (chapter 4). Sex is meant by God to be far more than a physical release. It is supposed to mean something, but what it means can only be properly seen within the institution God made for it – marriage.

            The differences between the way God has set up sex and marriage and how the society views it are then considered in the fifth chapter. It is shown that God’s way has always been at variance with the world’s ideas. But the sticking point changes depending on which part of human history we consider. A consideration of the Corinthian situation in the New Testament makes this clear, along with why the Christian teaching is so controversial today (chapter 6).

            The author also considers the Christian teaching on forgiveness for those who have not followed God’s way (chapter 7). Additionally, sexual fulfillment and how we identify ourselves in modern society is evaluated(chapter 8). Finally, Allberry considers why “love” is not enough (chapter 9). The book concludes with how all of this fits into the bigger picture of who God is and what He is doing in the world (chapters 10-11).

            Throughout this book, the author does not shy away from any of the difficult aspects surrounding this topic. Indeed, the grace with which he deals with these matters and the clarity he brings to these topics is perhaps the best aspect of the book. Even a person with little to no knowledge of Christianity would be given much food for thought without feeling attacked. Such a helpful balance of truth and grace makes this book a much needed and immensely useful tool when dealing with such an important topic.

Sam Allberry, Why does God care who I sleep with? London: The Good Book Company, 2020. 139pp.

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